If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
