drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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