Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
