all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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