i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm too high and old for this...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
