its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So much Jack, so little girl.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
