So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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