i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
