Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
