He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
