If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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