If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
