I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
