the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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