Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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