I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
