There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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