In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm bleeding and have questions
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
