Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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