Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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