the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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