I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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