I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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