Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
