so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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