did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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