I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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