The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
