Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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