Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Can you bring me the toilet please
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize