so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
