Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
