either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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