Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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