So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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