So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
