Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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