just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
