your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
why do cheetos always look like penises
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
