girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
did i just pee glitter
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
