dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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