In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
