ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
