Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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