Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
