he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
