Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
there is glitter all over my balls
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
