How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
