explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
