dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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