Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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