that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
